To Olmert and Company
by Mark Chmiel
How many nanoseconds did it take your hasbara specialists to transform the “Gaza Massacre” into a heroic tale of self-defense against the Hamas terrorists?
How many percentage points will this operation in Gaza gain your side in the up-coming election?
This week how many pairs of terrified Palestinian eyes do you think looked upon the substantial results—outside the morgues, on the streets, in the hospitals—of the opening salvos from the IDF?
This week how many of your Jewish citizens will have good night’s sleep, as they feel more secure due to your bold and lucid leadership?
How many individual pieces of shrapnel do you estimate your F-16s and Apache gunships have skillfully generated since the 2005 disengagement from Gaza?
How many Palestinian bodies (subcategories including head, torso, limbs, etc.) have the aforementioned shrapnel penetrated?
How many poems and essays will be written in Israeli schools in the next month, praising the IDF for its courageous bombing from the skies?
In the last six months, how many encouraging phone calls did you received from European leaders concerned about your country’s safety?
How many reassuring syllables have you heard from Condoleezza Rice in the month of December?
How many Merkava tanks do you have in good working order?
How many total bullet holes have you made in all the Swiss cheese homes and buildings in Rafah?
How many stones have the Palestinians thrown at your soldiers in 2008?
How many times a month do you muse, “If only the Arabs would just realize, ‘There is no God but Israel!’”?
How many souvenir cluster bombs did you leave behind in Lebanon?
How many inobservant Lebanese have been affected by these cluster bombs? Are you planning a comparable gift for the Gazans?
How many American evangelists would you be willing to fly over to say a blessing and a prayer before your pilots go off on their next round of duty over Gaza?
How many constructive ways of spending time can you recommend to the moderate Palestinians in Gaza, given the unemployment rate?
I assume you keep meticulous records: goals and objectives, names and numbers, places and dates, facts and figures, charts and graphs.
Since September 2000, keeping to Gaza now, how many buildings have you burned, detonated, bulldozed and made unfit for the terrorists to use?
How many times have you been inspired by the words of Ben-Gurion: “Destroy a neighborhood, and you begin to make an impression!”?
How many hours in legislative meetings do you think it will take to get passed a law banning public utterance of the words “apartheid” and “Nakba”?
Will you give an informed guess of how many times this last year your citizens have yelled or chanted “Death to the Arabs!” and “Gas the Arabs!”?
How many terrorists masquerading as children under the age of 16 have your snipers expertly shot dead?
How many millions of employment hours have been lost in the last decade because of your restrained curfews on Palestinian towns?
How many major ghettos and minor ghettos have you created because the Palestinians left you no other choice?
In the past three years, how many refugees from Darfur have you warmly welcomed to the Jewish state?
How many tons of Palestinian produce have, alas, rotted because of your inarguable security considerations and checkpoint procedures?
How many mutually satisfying contracts have you made with Motorola? With Caterpillar? With Dupont? With Boeing? Is business really booming?
How many pounds do you think the Gazan population has lost due to the solicitous diet encouraged by Israel’s measured policies? Ten million, maybe? Or is this estimate way off?
On average, how many times a month in meetings is the Shoah invoked for whatever strategic plan is being considered?
Speaking of which, how many books have you read on the Warsaw Ghetto?
How many employment positions have been created for your lawyers who work tirelessly to insure that what is happening on the ground is unquestionably legal?
How many individual Palestinian bones have your soldiers and settlers broken, both in official and unofficial intifadas?
How many pieces of delicious candy have your soldiers cheerfully given to Palestinian children?
How many doors—over the last four decades, now—have your soldiers kicked down in Palestinian homes?
How many men, women, and children have been administratively detained for the possible crime of thinking about resisting your rule?
How many kilometers have your talented engineers designed for highways and roads on which Jews can enjoy each other’s company?
Seriously now, how many nuclear warheads do you presently have? Wouldn’t you feel better if you could just flaunt it?
How many Spinozas has your training regimen turned into Sabras?
How many cumulative volts of electricity have been applied to (actual and potential) Palestinian terrorists in the present millennium?
How many hours of happiness for all concerned have been enjoyed since Israel’s security wall was built?
How many plucky Jewish colonists are you currently and munificently subsidizing in Judea and Samaria?
How many times since 1968 have your citizens spat at the mere mention of the name of Yeshayahu Leibowitz?
How many of Alan Dershowitz’s books have been translated into Hebrew? How many copies have been sold?
How many years have all your refuseniks and conscientious objectors spent in your hospitable jails?
How many days in prison have been spent by your soldiers convicted of killing Palestinian civilians?
How many bona fide self-hating Jews live in Tel Aviv?
Surely, somewhere there is an Office of Statistics. These questions must have answers.
How many relatives of suicide bombers have you had to teach a memorable lesson?
Tell me (it will be our little secret), how many times have you and your ministers bragged behind closed doors that you can get the Americans to do anything you want?
How many didactic tutorials have IDF troops given to suspect Palestinian fathers with his family members looking on?
How many Einsteins would it take to make sense of the permit system in use in the West Bank?
How may lies were told about Yusuf Q, who, without having done anything wrong, was arrested one fine morning?
How many cubic meters of water in the territories have ended up beautifying your colonies?
How many unimpeachable trials have you held in courtrooms in the Palestinian territories?
How many useful confessions from Palestinian prisoners have your investigative methods produced?
How many Palestinian collaborators have you induced or seduced to spy for you?
How many U.N. resolutions condemning your policies have you been able to serenely ignore?
How many dunums of land have your forces painstakingly appropriated for the greater glory of Eretz Israel since 1967?
How many suspicious Palestinian trees (olive, orange, almond, whatever) have you uprooted, destroyed, carried off and/or interrogated since 1967?
How many visits did your diplomats make to South Africa during the good old days before Mandela was released? How many deals were made?
How many times have your commanders sincerely averred, “We will investigate”?
If Moshe Dayan were alive, how many questions about strategy and tactics would you ask him?
How many Israeli towns and villages had Arabic names 65 years ago?
How many Palestinian villages did the Hagana and the IDF raze to the ground?
Since 1948 how many Palestinians were made orphans because of Israel’s consistently defensive actions?
How many miles high would go the stack of de-classified and still classified documents detailing Zionist and Israeli plans to acquire as much land as possible, adequate for the needs and happiness of the Jewish people?
How many of your predecessors before they became Prime Minister refused to be squeamish and carried out the hard but necessary tactics that ultimately served the national cause?
All the data must be in some super-macro-mega computer. How many engineers, bureaucrats, and functionaries are needed to use said computer?
How many non-Jewish roads must a Palestinian walk down, before you call him a man?
How many of your embassies and consulates do you estimate will be the scene of protests in the weeks and months ahead?
How many hearts and minds in the USA do you anticipate you’ve brought over to your embattled side as a result of the attacks on Hamas?
How many United States Senators have you yet to persuade to be 100% supportive of your government?
How many Gazans (women and men) up and down the Strip do you think your current intervention has convinced to throw out Hamas (round up to the nearest 10,000)?
How many nations in the global community understand that Israel truly and deeply wants peace?
How many seconds would it take for you to explain the Torah to me, while I stand on one foot?
So many questions.
So many particulars.